I read recently that ,when it comes to change, there are two types of people. There are people that hold on for dear life to what they know/knew. These people are trying desperately to maintain "control". Then there are people that let go of their old beliefs and just enjoy the ride of life. There are so many people (authors, philosophers, yogis) that relate life to a river. Obviously because it is ever flowing, ever changing, ever moving. We can't stop the river from flowing its natural direction. Even if you dam it, one day the dam will weaken and the river will once again flow freely as it was meant to. There are two images that come to me when thinking of these polar opposite people: you can imagine one person struggling to hold on to the shore. Grasping on to roots, struggling to stay afloat, screaming, kicking, crying. Then there are those that push themselves into the middle of the river, see who else is floating with them, and glide down the river with ease and their head above water.
On a different note, but still linked, I recently participated in a death meditation from the book "Fierce Medicine" by Ana Forest (the creator of forest yoga). The meditation places you in a situation where you have 12 hours left to live. You have to imagine that you will never see a sunrise again, not see your loved ones again, etc. It sounds morbid, but it is meant to help you LIVE more wisely and completely. While you are in contemplation of the last hours of your life there are eight questions that you are to ask yourself. The first question reads like this: "Feel the death of your hopes and dreams. Everything you were getting ready for. As you sit here feeling that Death, and loss, what are your regrets? All the ways you were going to live your life, all the dreams you were waiting to live... What were the promises that you made to yourself or your loved ones that you can no longer keep because your time is over? Perhaps you told yourself you'd start caring for yourself in a kind and sane way someday in the future; well, now you don't have a future. Let yourself fully feel your loss. Write down your regrets." Again, I realize that this seems morbid, but it's not. I am not sitting around thinking about my death all day. So any family members that read this please don't call me crying. It's all good.
Back to the point... when I read about the river and the two types of people, and then thought back to this question from the meditation, I realized that I have been living my life as the person clinging to the shore. I have never liked change. I have normally been one of those people that once I find something I am comfortable with I try to plan my entire life around that thing. Which is ridiculous. It's ridiculous for me to lessen my gaze and it's ridiculous to put that sort of pressure on something or someone. I would get so upset if something didn't go my way; a breakup, not getting a part, something not happening as quickly as I wanted it to, my mother dying. My only regret is that I would look at these changes as set backs, and not as a chance for growth.
I don't think that I am alone in these feelings. There are so many people that find control in their life from stability in other things. But it's inevitable, just like the dam, that those things will weaken and you will be left to float down the river of life without them. One day you might have the perfect job, a spouse that you adore, wonderful kids, a house that is your dream home. But one day your company might downsize, and your perfect job with the perfect salary might get smaller. And then you will have to sell your dream house and get something smaller. And your kids will grow up, and eventually leave you. I am not trying to make it seem like nothing lasts (even if that is what I believe). I simply mean to say that these "goals" that we have are as likely to change as the seasons. There is nothing that we can do to keep the seasons from changing, so how are we to stop the changes in daily life?
In the past two years (after my mother died, and also moving to Chicago) I learned so much about myself. Mainly I learned about my habits towards change. I have learned to grieve in a healthy way. I can thank things for being in my life now, rather than cursing them for making me love them and then leaving me. Even though it is hard sometimes, I am going to try to let go of the way I thought my life would be. I will let go of the shore and float down the river of life. I will see who meets me along the way and enjoy their company. I will let the water wash me clean. When I used to go canoeing with my mother she always said: "If you fall in the water, don't try to stand and fight it. Keep your feet up and your gaze towards the sky. I'll catch up with you."
