Effort and Resistance

I am currently reading "Wheels of Life" by Anodea Judith, Ph.D. It is a beautiful book on the chakras of your body. I was reading about the third Chakra: Fire. It is located in your solar plexus (right behind your belly button) and control will, power, and assertiveness. There was a section labeled "effort and resistance". It was a very short section, but it really moved me.

"If you are in constant resistance to some force, stop. Ask yourself why this force is manifesting in your life at this time. Resistance is often fear, the opposite of power. What is it you are afraid of? Imagine what would happen if you stopped resisting? How can your will protect you with less effort or resistance?"

We are all constantly fighting. Fighting to keep the power on in our house, or make sure that our children have what they need, or fighting against the credit card companies. Or maybe the fight is internal. You are healing from something that happened years or days ago. The common reaction to change is resistance. It is so hard to let yourself move on, even if you know that deep down it would be best for you. I know that I have this fight all the time in a couple different parts of my life.

I struggle daily to find comfort in my mother's death. I try to tell myself that it would be worse if she were here, because it was so hard at the end. I also know that if she had a choice to come back, she wouldn't. At the end of it all, the life that she was living wasn't serving here. That is a question that I ask myself a lot with really hard questions: "Does THIS help to serve my higher purpose?" And normally, if your answer is "no" it is time to move on. The THIS can pertain to anything really. Buying a new car, a relationship that you have outgrown, a job that no longer satisfies you? All these are good examples of situations that could block your growth to your potential.

I also have fear and resistance to new relationships. It partly has to do with my mother, but also has to do with lovers and personal relationships that I had. I was one of those girls that never really said what was on my mind, in fear of rejection. I am not that way anymore. haha. For so long I bottled up my emotions. The fear of losing, those that I lost, the pain of whatever the relationship caused. When I discovered yoga and started to release and let go of those feeling that had buried themselves inside of me, it was overwhelming. I would find myself crying randomly for no reason. Or some days I would be silent. Almost numb at the realization of some past trauma that I had gone through. I think that I have really done well to look at those feelings in the face and acknowledge them for what they are and release them. But there is still a hold on me. Especially after my last relationship it is hard to open up. Since then I have pushed away numerous partners. Some I literally ran from in the middle of the night. (Think of the most literal image here: a girl running down the street to her car while the guy is following her screaming 'what's wrong?') I have also tried to just go with it. Even when I felt terrified I just rid it out and waited for the overwhelming feelings to pass. That didn't work either. That just caused broken hearts, because I had to end it.

This passage that I read made me think about all of these past situations. Am I constantly resisting any force that requires me to open my heart? Am I in resistance to anything that requires me to be vulnerable? Vulnerability might be more of the issue, because I open my heart every day to those that I love. I'm not blowing smoke up my ass. Love is honestly what I live by, and I choose to bathe those that surround me in it. I also know that they would never hurt me. They might leave me but deep down we would still have that loving friendship that was always there. Maybe it's that every relationship that I have had didn't work out. Which, let's face it, 95% of the relationships you are in aren't going to work out unless you find that special person and promise yourselves to each other. But does that mean that you should give up? I don't think so. I just think that I need to keep working to reach that point of being able to see the relationship that I am in as different from all of the past ones; and letting that be okay.

 I am just going to have to let go of the fear and embrace the change as a beautiful new path that my life was meant to go down. I will stick to my practice and my mat, breathe, and go slowly.

A poem my aunt shared with me about "journey"

I thought this was lovely, and it can be so easily transferred into so many different peoples lives. 

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

Mary Oliver

The beginning of my journey

I feel that my journey began a long time ago. Technically you could say it started when I was born ;). I would consider myself a person that easily gets lost. Well, I used to get lost more easily. I was always jumping from person to person for stability, emotion to emotion, etc. I easily got hurt, confused, and wounded. I remember plenty of moments when I knew that I had hit rock bottom. For some people this happens once. For me it happened multiple times. These feelings all steamed from my relationship with my mother (apart from other things). When I was younger she was my rock, my stability, who I wanted to be when I grew up. She was also an alcoholic. I was 15 the first time she went to rehab. And after that it was a whirlwind of pain and throwing blame and screaming and love(of all things) and confusion and scars. That lasted eleven years. My mother passed away July 9th, 2010; so about a year and a half ago. I miss her. It's funny, when I think back on the hardest times, the times where we screamed and cursed and banished each other from our hearts, we were never really successful. Everything that we did, from the bad to the worst, was done because we loved each other endlessly (we shared strong souls... and strong pride).
After my mother died I had a spiritual revolution. I was already a very strong person from personal work that I had done and because of my yoga practice. However, it was not until I was faced with something so tragic as my mother dying (and me having so much left unsaid) that I was pulled in a different direction. I wanted change and healing that only I could give myself with lots of work and love and support. This blog is going to be my outlet, and a way to share all the levels of healing that I have experienced. As a teacher, knowing that other spiritual seekers have gone through similar circumstances as I, it would be wrong to keep them to myself.
I call this blog "Here for the Journey", because I am not searching for a destination. I am not waiting to have a feeling of happiness that lasts forever. I am searching for "peace" (as a very wise auntie/soul-sister once reminded me of). I welcome the good and the bad with open arms knowing that all things make me who I am. I welcome comments and stories from your own life. Lets begin a journey.

"Growth hurts when you resist change, and most of us have an inclination to resist change in an attempt to remain comfortable by staying the same." -Erich Schiffman