Hello again world! Long time, no blog. I wish that I had a good reason for being absent, but unfortunately all I can really blame it on is sheer and utter life obsession. Or rather, relationship obsession. This is going to be hard for some people to read. It is not meant as a bash or pointing fingers. It is simply meant to help me express my understanding of a life event that I believe other readers can appreciate and, more than likely, relate to.
I am going through a break up. It doesn't matter which side of the break up I am on in my opinion, because whichever side you are on, the breaker or the break-e, it is going to be messy and ugly and hard and terrifying for both parties. Hopefully, anyway. Whoever invited break ups should just... hmmm maybe before I finish that sentence I should do a little bit more self inquiry.
When I was younger, as in ten years ago, my life revolved around relationships. Who I was with, who I was going to be with next if it didn't work out, how the person I was with wasn't fulfilling my needs, blah blah blah. I'm a serial monogamist. I have been for years, and I finally had a realization one day that it wasn't because I actually wanted to be with these men (ahem), but because I needed them to fill some void in my life. Some empty space deep within my gut that was begging to be fed. Apparently being a child of an alcoholic does not help this at all. In fact, it could have a huge part to do with my need. I was so terrified of being alone that I would suffer, and hate him, and then ultimately hate myself for being so gullible as to stay in a situation that did not make me feel good. A situation that did not make me feel more full and alive and... dare I say "happy"? What a concept.
Well, even though lessons have been learned over the years, I am here again. In the same break up boat that's sinking 50 miles off the shore line.... in shark infested waters... at dusk. Oh what a predicament this is!!
Wait... what? How did I get here? I thought it was supposed to be forever. In fact, I was SURE that this time it would work out. (Do you hear God laughing at me? Maybe it's just the AC unit outside)
Well it didn't work out. This is where it gets serious by the way. I am heart broken. I am trying to be strong, but it's that crazy question and answer that still runs through my brain. If you don't know if it will work out, how can you trust it? And my answer? You just do. I know it seems crazy but you just have to trust that one day it wont end. With my particular relationship (or what lasts of it) I believe that there was some lesson that we were supposed to learn from each other. Maybe I helped him learn something about himself that he didn't know was there, or he knew was there and was maybe hiding from. Maybe he taught me to fight for myself even when it runs the risk of being alone and starting over. Again, two situations that I have FOREVER been terrified of. Maybe it was just two people that were/are in love and just trying to make it work against all odds. It could be a million things. But I guess the most important thing to remember is that it didn't work, but that doesn't mean that my life and my loving is over. I have a whole life to live that will be full of souls that I will connect with and love without attachment. Maybe there will be one that I'm supposed to be with "for better or for worse"? Who knows? I hope so.
When I moved to Chicago, three years ago, it was the first time that this guy and I broke up. I know. I know. After that, the transition to get better never really happened. I was anxious all the time, and hurting, and missing him terribly. I think that he was going through the same things, which is probably why we got back together. But the universe has a different plan for me. That plan is to learn something about myself that has to take a whole lot more heart ache to discover and nurture to full bloom. Sitting in my situation (moved back for a guy that said he wanted everything I wanted, and then decided that he didn't anymore) I could sit around being angry at him and at the world and at myself for letting it happen again. But I believe that I am going through this for a higher purpose. I am not the same girl that moved to Chicago to escape from love, and escape from my mother's death. I am stronger now. I know what I need to be happy and move on. I have taken the first step towards real self acceptance. That is why in my deepest gut and layers I know that I will be okay.
So, in ending, I suppose the purpose of this blog wasn't meant to vent that I am sad. It is meant as hope. When thinking back on the last three years of my life, I shock myself at my own strength. I keep looking towards the heavens asking for guidance. From God and from my mother. And I think that my questions are heard... and they will eventually be answered. I hope, wherever you are, whatever life event is currently sitting on your kitchen table, that you can find peace. Peace in the knowing that you DON'T have to know everything right now. You don't have to understand it. Just live it, and know the more you focus on the positive and amazing things that the universe has to offer, the more you will cultivate it in the living present moments of your AMAZING life. Namaste.
