The anniversary of my mother's passing is coming up this July. It will have been two years. It still feels like it just happened. Maybe it will feel that way forever. I wanted to share something I wrote a few months after she died. I turned heavily to meditation right after she passed and there was one session in particular that really shook me to the core. It was as if she had hopped into my head and body and showed me exactly what I needed to see at that moment. As soon as I came to, I rushed to a pen and paper and wrote it down. I tweeked it a little afterwards for grammar, etc. :) I thought, in lieu of the anniversary, I would share what I wrote. Enjoy.
I dig my toes into the sand. I sit with her, feeling the grains underneath and all around me. The sound of the waves is slow and soothing. The water is gold with the reflection of the sunset. We sit together. Occasionally our hands find each others. Her hands are soft. She has a soft grin; a content face. She watches the waves slowly come in and out. We see the tide coming nearer and nearer to our sandy toes. I hold my breath every time it almost touches.
“Walk?” she asks.
“Ok.” I say.
We slowly walk along the shore. There is ocean to the left, nothing to the right.
“I’m sorry.” I say. “I’m so sorry.” I look at her. Her face has changed. She is younger. Her long hair is in a braid; her face is softer than I remember. She grabs my hand with more intensity and just smiles at me. She grabs me around the shoulders and takes long strides across the sand. It is hard to keep up; her legs are longer than mine. I feel her hand on the back of my head occasionally (Almost her reminder to me that she is still there).
“Oysters!” she cries. Ahead there are dozens of oysters glistening in the sand. They have an almost silver glitter to them. She grabs one out of the sand, opens it with ease, and slides it into her mouth. She turns to me giggling and hands me one. I delicately take the oyster. Not knowing if I am trying to savor the moment or the oyster, I slowly slide the oyster into my mouth with my eyes closed. It is cool and salty. Perfect. I open my eyes and see her smiling at me. She grabs my hand to keep walking.
I continue to stare out into the ocean. The ripples and waves are gold and blue. The sun is under the water yet there is still so much light. I turn to find her. There are three people there, playing in the sand; the braided woman, an older woman with yellow skin in a nightgown with short hair, and a little girl. They all turn to me and smile very different smiles. The young girl has a smile of innocence and play. The braided woman has a smile of maturity and love. The older woman’s smile almost looks sad; tired. I walk heavy footed through the sand to them and sit. They are drawing in the sand. I can’t take my eyes off the older woman. She barely looks at me. Her hands are fragile and shaky as she draws in the sand. She looks in awe at the other two. I touch her hand. It is dry but still soft.
“They’re so beautiful”, she says without looking at me.
“Yes.” I say.
“The ocean is so beautiful.” She comments as she glances at the ocean. Her eyes are glistening with old tears. She digs her hand all the way into the sand till it is covered. She pulls her hand back out and opens it to reveal a million tiny sparkling pieces of sand. She smiles at her hand and looks at the young child and woman. They move into each other and stand. I watch them walk away briefly, and then run after them.
We walk in silence. She is a mix of all three now, slowly morphing and changing.
Ahead a row boat lightly bounces in the water.
“Look!” She cries as the younger her. Her little body runs to the boat.
I follow her, watching as she pushes the boat into the water and climbs in. I hold my hand out to her in attempts to pull her back in.
“I can’t go with you!” I yell as the boat starts to float away from shore.
“I know”, she says with a knowing smile. That is all that is said.
She sits in the boat, golden from the sun and oceans reflection. She moves further and further away. She leans forward in the boat propping up onto her knees and yells, “I’m happy!” Then she settles back into the boat. She is not looking at me anymore but towards the open ocean. She holds her arms out to the sky and I can’t hear her but I know that she is laughing.
Tears stream down my face as I wave back. I have nothing to say. There is still sand in my hand where she touched it. I still feel her arm around me as I watch her sail into the distance. Then she is gone. I sit down in the sand and watch as the last bits of light fade from the oceans waves. I sit enjoying the warmth from the light the last few moments that I can. The wind dances across my face and I bury my toes into the sand and close my eyes, remembering the last time I was here.
