Instead of act... React

So as usual I waited to do things till the last minute this Holiday season. I had bought the presents but I could never find the time to actually get to the post office and mail the damn things. I finally drug myself there today (through snow... seriously) and of course there was a huge line. When I get to the front I realized that I had forgotten some things so I had to go get them from my car and wait in the line AGAIN. When I got to the front of the line I realized I had the wrong address and the woman at the counter was obviously not having any of it. At the end of it all she says "estimated day of delivery is the 23rd. but that's estimated so it probably will take longer." So after all of that effort, the packages won't even be there on Christmas.

I left furious of course. Furious with myself, furious with the woman behind the counter for not being more understanding. blah blah blah. I left feeling mad about something that was out of my hands. I can't control how long it takes the mail to deliver packages, and neither can the lady behind the counter. Yes, it is frustrating when things don't go your way, but it's just an action that has happened. It is not something that happened TO you. Of course people's reactions are those of anger and frustration and could even ruin someone's day, but why let it? Especially at this time of year when feelings should be generally of love and giving and understanding. Do you think my family members will be mad if for some reason the package arrives on the 26th instead of the 24th? Doubtful. And if they do, sorry fam. The kids will just have more presents to open after Christmas, and how cool is that!?

I guess my whole point here is that we all get pulled into reacting outlandishly to situations and actions that we have no control over. I went to yoga class right after the postal scene from hell and thought about why I was getting so mad. I made an active effort to change my reaction (It would have been even better if I had while I was IN the situation, but ah well... c'est la vie). I started to think about the good things: how cool the gifts are that I got for my cousins. How I wish I could see their faces when they open them up. How I hope that my family members will feel my love from miles away. How thankful I am that I had the funds to get my family something special this year. There are a million reasons to be happy and not be pulled into the stress of the holidays.

Not only postal but other situations can be frustrating. If there is a huge line at Target or the Supermarket, if you are stuck in traffic for 45 minutes, or if there is a snippy family member that (sometimes like me) can be overbearing and stresses you out; take time to realize that these situations are out of your control and change your REACTION to it. In the long line at target, use that personal time to double check your to-do list or call someone that you've been meaning to talk to but never seem to have the time. If you are stuck in your car, turn up the music and blare Christmas music as loud as you can with your family. If your family member is being hard, smother them with kindness. It is nearly impossible to be mean to someone that is being overly compassionate towards you (I know that some people find a way, but let's put those people aside).

Some say that they come to yoga to get rid of stress. Well, I'm sorry to say that yoga does not eliminate the stress in your life. But it CAN help you to learn new ways to manage that stress. Yoga teaches you how to look at a situation you are in and smile at it, no matter how hard. You practice this through asana (postures). For example, ff every time your teacher says "dancers pose" you automatically get flustered because this is a challenging posture for you, take time before even making the first move into the posture to listen to your body and where it is, and go ahead and thank it for what it has done for you already. Mentally prepare yourself with positive vibes. And if you fall, smile at yourself and say "thank you for trying. Let's try again". I bet if you are patient with yourself and focused and CALM the posture will come more easily than you would have imagined. React NICELY to whatever action your body chooses to take that day. I say "body chooses" because some days your body may be able to do something if can't the next, and vice versa. Be patient.

Let us all focus this holiday season on the positive, and the generosity that we all have the ability to share to our neighbors. More importantly, be generous with yourself, and know that you are going to get stressed. Forgive yourself first, and then think of ways to avoid that reaction next time. I wish everyone a very happy and safe Holiday season. God bless.

Namaste and Happy Holidays :)

Effort and Resistance

I am currently reading "Wheels of Life" by Anodea Judith, Ph.D. It is a beautiful book on the chakras of your body. I was reading about the third Chakra: Fire. It is located in your solar plexus (right behind your belly button) and control will, power, and assertiveness. There was a section labeled "effort and resistance". It was a very short section, but it really moved me.

"If you are in constant resistance to some force, stop. Ask yourself why this force is manifesting in your life at this time. Resistance is often fear, the opposite of power. What is it you are afraid of? Imagine what would happen if you stopped resisting? How can your will protect you with less effort or resistance?"

We are all constantly fighting. Fighting to keep the power on in our house, or make sure that our children have what they need, or fighting against the credit card companies. Or maybe the fight is internal. You are healing from something that happened years or days ago. The common reaction to change is resistance. It is so hard to let yourself move on, even if you know that deep down it would be best for you. I know that I have this fight all the time in a couple different parts of my life.

I struggle daily to find comfort in my mother's death. I try to tell myself that it would be worse if she were here, because it was so hard at the end. I also know that if she had a choice to come back, she wouldn't. At the end of it all, the life that she was living wasn't serving here. That is a question that I ask myself a lot with really hard questions: "Does THIS help to serve my higher purpose?" And normally, if your answer is "no" it is time to move on. The THIS can pertain to anything really. Buying a new car, a relationship that you have outgrown, a job that no longer satisfies you? All these are good examples of situations that could block your growth to your potential.

I also have fear and resistance to new relationships. It partly has to do with my mother, but also has to do with lovers and personal relationships that I had. I was one of those girls that never really said what was on my mind, in fear of rejection. I am not that way anymore. haha. For so long I bottled up my emotions. The fear of losing, those that I lost, the pain of whatever the relationship caused. When I discovered yoga and started to release and let go of those feeling that had buried themselves inside of me, it was overwhelming. I would find myself crying randomly for no reason. Or some days I would be silent. Almost numb at the realization of some past trauma that I had gone through. I think that I have really done well to look at those feelings in the face and acknowledge them for what they are and release them. But there is still a hold on me. Especially after my last relationship it is hard to open up. Since then I have pushed away numerous partners. Some I literally ran from in the middle of the night. (Think of the most literal image here: a girl running down the street to her car while the guy is following her screaming 'what's wrong?') I have also tried to just go with it. Even when I felt terrified I just rid it out and waited for the overwhelming feelings to pass. That didn't work either. That just caused broken hearts, because I had to end it.

This passage that I read made me think about all of these past situations. Am I constantly resisting any force that requires me to open my heart? Am I in resistance to anything that requires me to be vulnerable? Vulnerability might be more of the issue, because I open my heart every day to those that I love. I'm not blowing smoke up my ass. Love is honestly what I live by, and I choose to bathe those that surround me in it. I also know that they would never hurt me. They might leave me but deep down we would still have that loving friendship that was always there. Maybe it's that every relationship that I have had didn't work out. Which, let's face it, 95% of the relationships you are in aren't going to work out unless you find that special person and promise yourselves to each other. But does that mean that you should give up? I don't think so. I just think that I need to keep working to reach that point of being able to see the relationship that I am in as different from all of the past ones; and letting that be okay.

 I am just going to have to let go of the fear and embrace the change as a beautiful new path that my life was meant to go down. I will stick to my practice and my mat, breathe, and go slowly.

A poem my aunt shared with me about "journey"

I thought this was lovely, and it can be so easily transferred into so many different peoples lives. 

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

Mary Oliver

The beginning of my journey

I feel that my journey began a long time ago. Technically you could say it started when I was born ;). I would consider myself a person that easily gets lost. Well, I used to get lost more easily. I was always jumping from person to person for stability, emotion to emotion, etc. I easily got hurt, confused, and wounded. I remember plenty of moments when I knew that I had hit rock bottom. For some people this happens once. For me it happened multiple times. These feelings all steamed from my relationship with my mother (apart from other things). When I was younger she was my rock, my stability, who I wanted to be when I grew up. She was also an alcoholic. I was 15 the first time she went to rehab. And after that it was a whirlwind of pain and throwing blame and screaming and love(of all things) and confusion and scars. That lasted eleven years. My mother passed away July 9th, 2010; so about a year and a half ago. I miss her. It's funny, when I think back on the hardest times, the times where we screamed and cursed and banished each other from our hearts, we were never really successful. Everything that we did, from the bad to the worst, was done because we loved each other endlessly (we shared strong souls... and strong pride).
After my mother died I had a spiritual revolution. I was already a very strong person from personal work that I had done and because of my yoga practice. However, it was not until I was faced with something so tragic as my mother dying (and me having so much left unsaid) that I was pulled in a different direction. I wanted change and healing that only I could give myself with lots of work and love and support. This blog is going to be my outlet, and a way to share all the levels of healing that I have experienced. As a teacher, knowing that other spiritual seekers have gone through similar circumstances as I, it would be wrong to keep them to myself.
I call this blog "Here for the Journey", because I am not searching for a destination. I am not waiting to have a feeling of happiness that lasts forever. I am searching for "peace" (as a very wise auntie/soul-sister once reminded me of). I welcome the good and the bad with open arms knowing that all things make me who I am. I welcome comments and stories from your own life. Lets begin a journey.

"Growth hurts when you resist change, and most of us have an inclination to resist change in an attempt to remain comfortable by staying the same." -Erich Schiffman