I went to an amazing yoga class the other day. But it wasn't because of the asanas (Even though they were great too). It was the mantra. The teacher, Liz, led us through a mantra where every inhale you said to yourself silently, internally "I am here now". Then on every exhale you said to yourself silently, internally "I let go". It has stuck with me ever since.
In case you haven't caught on from past posts, I am a bit of a busy body A-type. I am constantly moving from thing to thing. Therefore, naturally, the hardest part about yoga for me is being present; staying in my own space, on my own mat, in my own body and mind. I'm pretty sure after years of doing yoga, I just recently stopped/lessened comparing myself to other yogis. Staying present has been even harder lately because I have gone through a pretty big move. I moved from Chicago, a booming metropolis, to Greenville S.C., which is a bit smaller than a booming metropolis ;). I'll be honest that the first couple of days scared the hell out of me. I couldn't help but think "did I just make a huge mistake? Were all of my friends right?"... Well... they were not.
Liz's class helped me to step back and look at the big picture. It made me think how it is so easy for us to get into these routines of worry. We concentrate on the what if's and the why's instead of just enjoying the moment and not worrying about the outcome. It's easy to do that though. The worrying part I mean. It is almost like our ego thinks that we deserve to know all of the answers. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It never does. The best that we can really do is go with our gut and hope that we are happy with the outcome. But the beautiful thing is that if we aren't happy, we can try again tomorrow.
This move to the south was the second guteral reaction move I have made in my life. The first was moving to Chicago. And I wouldn't change that for the world. My little less than two years in Chicago was my "I am here now" lesson of my life thus far. The move was, to say the least, incredibly hard. I had just lost my mother. I moved away from my boyfriend and my family, pretty much leaving everything in my life behind to explore a whole new world. And when I got there I literally had the "well now what?" reaction to my crazy endeavor. I moved without a job and not much of a plan. And whatever plan I had was quickly thrown out the window. I was forced to say "I am here now" and then I listened to my body and my mind to tell me the direction to go. And it did. Although at first I still controlled the reins. What can I say? I'm a pitta! I practiced "mindfulness" (tried to) almost every day for the first year I was there. I dissected my emotions until they were nothing but dust. I over analyzed everything from why I couldn't decide what to wear to why the stranger was looking at me like that on the subway. I had to be so in tune with myself to know what I needed, because I knew that if I wasn't careful I was going to get sucked into a city that I couldn't survive in without mindfulness. And one day it happened. I LET GO. I stopped trying so hard and just let myself be. I realized that I wasn't going to die in this giant city, I was going to thrive. Because that is what I was supposed to do. I took my fear and love of this new adventure and wrapped them together and rode them like a raft through my life. I accepted that there was good and bad in my life, and I let go of this idea of failing. If I missed my mother I wasn't failing. If I missed my sister I wasn't failing. If I messed up in yoga class. I wasn't failing. I was living.
The years spent in Chicago, and now entering into my new life here, are perfect examples of staying present and then letting go and letting the universe take control. All we can do is accept the good and the bad and ride our breath. If only I can keep remembering that. :) Deep inhales. Deep exhales. I am here now. I let go. I am here now. I let go. I am here now. I let go. Namaste.
