Effort and Resistance

I am currently reading "Wheels of Life" by Anodea Judith, Ph.D. It is a beautiful book on the chakras of your body. I was reading about the third Chakra: Fire. It is located in your solar plexus (right behind your belly button) and control will, power, and assertiveness. There was a section labeled "effort and resistance". It was a very short section, but it really moved me.

"If you are in constant resistance to some force, stop. Ask yourself why this force is manifesting in your life at this time. Resistance is often fear, the opposite of power. What is it you are afraid of? Imagine what would happen if you stopped resisting? How can your will protect you with less effort or resistance?"

We are all constantly fighting. Fighting to keep the power on in our house, or make sure that our children have what they need, or fighting against the credit card companies. Or maybe the fight is internal. You are healing from something that happened years or days ago. The common reaction to change is resistance. It is so hard to let yourself move on, even if you know that deep down it would be best for you. I know that I have this fight all the time in a couple different parts of my life.

I struggle daily to find comfort in my mother's death. I try to tell myself that it would be worse if she were here, because it was so hard at the end. I also know that if she had a choice to come back, she wouldn't. At the end of it all, the life that she was living wasn't serving here. That is a question that I ask myself a lot with really hard questions: "Does THIS help to serve my higher purpose?" And normally, if your answer is "no" it is time to move on. The THIS can pertain to anything really. Buying a new car, a relationship that you have outgrown, a job that no longer satisfies you? All these are good examples of situations that could block your growth to your potential.

I also have fear and resistance to new relationships. It partly has to do with my mother, but also has to do with lovers and personal relationships that I had. I was one of those girls that never really said what was on my mind, in fear of rejection. I am not that way anymore. haha. For so long I bottled up my emotions. The fear of losing, those that I lost, the pain of whatever the relationship caused. When I discovered yoga and started to release and let go of those feeling that had buried themselves inside of me, it was overwhelming. I would find myself crying randomly for no reason. Or some days I would be silent. Almost numb at the realization of some past trauma that I had gone through. I think that I have really done well to look at those feelings in the face and acknowledge them for what they are and release them. But there is still a hold on me. Especially after my last relationship it is hard to open up. Since then I have pushed away numerous partners. Some I literally ran from in the middle of the night. (Think of the most literal image here: a girl running down the street to her car while the guy is following her screaming 'what's wrong?') I have also tried to just go with it. Even when I felt terrified I just rid it out and waited for the overwhelming feelings to pass. That didn't work either. That just caused broken hearts, because I had to end it.

This passage that I read made me think about all of these past situations. Am I constantly resisting any force that requires me to open my heart? Am I in resistance to anything that requires me to be vulnerable? Vulnerability might be more of the issue, because I open my heart every day to those that I love. I'm not blowing smoke up my ass. Love is honestly what I live by, and I choose to bathe those that surround me in it. I also know that they would never hurt me. They might leave me but deep down we would still have that loving friendship that was always there. Maybe it's that every relationship that I have had didn't work out. Which, let's face it, 95% of the relationships you are in aren't going to work out unless you find that special person and promise yourselves to each other. But does that mean that you should give up? I don't think so. I just think that I need to keep working to reach that point of being able to see the relationship that I am in as different from all of the past ones; and letting that be okay.

 I am just going to have to let go of the fear and embrace the change as a beautiful new path that my life was meant to go down. I will stick to my practice and my mat, breathe, and go slowly.