Staying awake in chaos

I don't know about you, but I am one of those people that finds it nearly impossible to say "no". I go, go, go until I drop and then later wonder why I got so burnt out. I got my fathers A-type work ethic which basically means if I am not working on something I get bored and feel lazy. : / To some this is not be seen as a flaw, but to someone that actually possesses this personality trait it can be exhausting!! But more so than exhaustion, this sort of behavior can cause you to MISS so much. Yoga and meditation teaches us "presence". We try to train ourselves to control our mind to stay in the present moment, however as soon as we step off our yoga mat we go right back to the way of life that we have always been living; schedules, appointments, bills, kids soccer practice, trying to find five minutes for a little "me" time, trying to find time to spend with your friends, and with your kids, and with your husband. There is so much that we try to do and achieve every single day that of course it's impossible to stay present. We blast past our days and can barely remember what we had for lunch let alone any important nuances that might have moved you.

Life is in constant change. It is in constant eb and flow. Like a river it keeps moving and you have to flow with it. For some this change can be hard to deal with. Once we get used to one thing we have to deal with being pushed to the next and then the next and then the next. Even if the change is positive it can still be really hard to manage. I know in my life I just recently got used to all the change that has already occurred in my life this year: moving to a new big city, new relationships, letting go of old ones, etc. I found a sense of peace the morning I woke up and realized that I was truly happy in my new life. I didn't have to look at my GPS anymore, I didn't have to look at my phone hoping for a call that wouldn't come. I had "moved on" in a sense. But life keeps moving, and more things got added to my plate: I got my yoga teaching certification. I lined up auditions, I got asked to take on more responsibility with my theatre company, new relationships (some didn't work out), etc. Now... although this is all very very positive and I am thrilled with everything that was put on my plate, it is still stressful. Stress isn't only caused by negative stimuli.

 I found myself in bad moods most of the time. I was snappy. I know that I was hard to be around. It wasn't until I had a break down and started crying to my friend one night that I "didn't know what was wrong with me" that she made it real simple. She listed out everything that had been going on in my life in the last weeks and of course I was going crazy! I was exhausted, and I had no time for myself! Even the time I was with my friends I was totally stressed because I was just thinking about what I needed to do when I got home or the next day. It was then that I realized that even in yoga classes I wasn't being mindful of myself and where I was emotionally. I was blasting through the class, thinking about other things the entire time. I promised myself in that moment to take a step back and STAY AWAKE.

I am currently reading "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. I love this book. Even in the introduction I was pulled in. At the very beginning of the book there was a wonderful quote:

"If we can stay awake while our lives are changing, secrets will be revealed to us- secrets about ourselves, about the nature of life, and about the eternal source of happiness and peace that is always available, always renewable, already within us."

 I came back to this quote last week and mediated on it. I realized that what I was doing wrong wasn't that I was busy. It was that I wasn't being mindful of myself and everything around me. I was a bulldozer, blazing through life trying to catch up. But that's all I was doing: I was catching up... not living. I took a step back, reevaluated, and got hold of my life. I processed what was really bothering me (where the stress was coming from). Once I did that I could get control again and work through it. I am still running on a schedule but I know my destination now and not just running rampant on fumes.

We forget that life is about the experience and not necessarily how much you can get done in a day. Give yourself room to breath, room to stretch, and room to live. And remember to stay awake.